So, I am doing it. I am seeing “Twilight: Eclipse” tonight (Wednesday, June 29) at the 12:01 a.m. screening. This is what One Movie A Week has brought me to — “Sex and the City 2” and “Twilight: Eclispe” in the same summer (which will also most certainly lead to my first period and yeast infection. Are you there god? It’s me, Chris. And I’m scared.)
Seeing that I will be viewing Twilight: Eclipse I thought I would write down what I know about the saga before hand.
What so I know about the Twilight series? Having not read the books or seen the other movies, this is what I can deduce. The protagonist is named Bella. She is brooding, sexually repressed and confused. (So she might also be a gay teenaged boy who lives in a small southern town next to Jesus). Now Bella, who is kinda hot in an Emo sort of way, is caught in some kind of weird love triangle with a vampire who sparkles and ripped hairless werewolf. The sparkle-pire is named Edward Twilight and he is also sexually repressed, depressed but nicely dressed. Edward Twilight is a good vampire who takes the time to get to know Bella, listen to her thoughts and fears and begin a relationship of longing looks and missed chances. Unlike typical vampires who put the rape and murder of humans at the top of their to-do lists. Also, apparently the guy who plays Edward Twilight doesn’t really like to bathe all that much, which doesn’t have much to do with the film, but is more of a random factoid that stuck in my brain.
Edward Twilight is locked in a love-battle with Jacob Werewolf, who I don’t know much about. I know that he is a pretty stacked fellow, who has a “team” that is made up of prepubesent girls and middle-aged pedophiles. Does Bella like? Do they both like each other? I must do some investigative journalism and get to the bottom of this journey.
Supposedly this movie, Twilight: Eclispe, there is a epic battle, which I presume will be between Edward Twilight and Jacob Werewolf. I have also been told to expect massive amounts and screaming and possibly some fainting.
And that is all I know. I might update this with some thoughts and “waiting in line” reactions as the night continues. Right now the only thought that keeps repeating in my head is, “how long is this movie?” and “if I hear any Morrisey I am fucking leaving.”
Reporting from the middle of the volcano, this is Chris. Good night and good morrow.
