The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Directed by David Slade
Written by Melissa Resenberg (Based on the novel by Stephenie Meyer)
Starring Kristen Steward, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke and Taylor Lautner
Going into the film, I knew very little about the Saga but I was never a Twilight hater – it is just something I didn’t care much about. I am amused by the ire the series tends to draw though. When I was at the San Diego Comic-Con there was a very large Twilight contingent there and an almost equally as large contingent of nerds who thought it was stupid, hurting America and was only liked by little girls and people with no life. I actually remember hearing a 40-year-old guy dressed as Qui-Gon Jinn call Twilight, “A waste of time for people with no life.”
Pot meet Kettle.
I just looked at Twilight as something that was not for me. The same way I look at CocoaPuffs and The Goonies. I missed the boat and am too far removed to “get it.” After all, I am 28-years-old and, just like I shouldn’t like shirts with colorful dragons and sparkly shit on it, shouldn’t really be into Twilight.
But here I was, hurriedly finishing my second of two Sam Adams Summer Ales to get in line for the midnight screening of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. And here is the kicker… I had a good time. It was a really fun movie. Sure there were times I was confused, especially when the movie opened on Bella and Edward in a field in the sunlight. My head almost exploded like Edward should have from being in the sun. He is a vampire right? But, I guess in the Twilight universe, vampires and the sun are cool with each other and the sun makes them sparkle. I’d like the think that later on in the series, we learn that the sun is giving them all skin cancer and is killing them slowly. I guess I am just a traditionalist, in that sense. I like my vampires to be vulnerable to the sun and my zombies to be slow and swarming.
As the film went on, I was liking it more and more but I couldn’t figure out why, and then it came to me… Twilight is 90210 (the old one, not the new one). Here is my proof. Edward Twilight is Dylan McKay. He’s brooding, good looking, has the sideburns and the reserved detachment (but you can tell deep down he really cares.) He’s got some family issues, a nice house and doesn’t say more than he has to but is also a little hot headed.
Jacob is Brandon Walsh. Both come from more humble beginnings, are good people and always do the right thing. They follow their hearts and conscience and when it comes down to it, are just too nice and end up getting hurt by the girl they love (on in Jacob’s case, BECAUSE of the girl he loves).
That would make Bella the one-and-only Kelly Taylor. She’s torn between what her head knows is right and what her heart wants. Just like Kelly and Brandon were the smart choice and worked well together, they just didn’t have the spark that Kelly and Dylan had. Bella would obviously be better off if she choose Jacob, but she can’t because it is almost too easy. When Jacob makes his pitch to her in the film, he even says, “You pick me and you get to stay human.” Should would literally rather DIE than pick Jacob. When Kelly went back to Dylan, she know there was a possibility that she would get exploded in a car. Same thing, right? If my theory is true, I look forward to seeing Bella joining a cult, almost dying in a fire, becoming addicted to drugs, throwing away her modeling career and trying to help her virgin girlfriend who loves her boyfriend even after he throws her down some stairs.
So, how could I not like Twilight? I loved 90210 when it was on and Twilight is new version of a classic (and better than the new 90210 because there are vampires). Maybe I just have extremely low expectations going into the film, but there were moments where it was funny and action-y.
Here are the drawbacks, there is some laughably cheesy dialogue. Also, the penultimate fight scene is WAY too short. The whole movie is leading up to this massive battle between these crazy strong “new born” vampires and the Twilight clan which has brokered a temporary alliance with the Werewolves, and it is over before it even begins. I was informed that is is how it is in the book, and if so, that is just bad storytelling. If you are going to build something like that up, pay it off.
Also, Taylor Lautner is an phenomenally bad actor. On the emotion scale, he seems only a degree or two above Paul Walker. And for being as juiced as he is, he seems like the least coordinated guy on the planet. If you were to throw him a football it’d probably just hit him in the face, then he’d trip over his feet trying to pick it up and then when he went to throw it back to you he’d have to ask what the laces we for. The scenes were he is carrying Bella and trying to run through the woods, at the same time, are just uncomfortable to watch. I can just picture the director yelling cut and then saying, “Taylor, we’re only asking you to pick up a 100 pound girl and run, not explain how the Mandebrot Set works. Let’s try this again, and this time, how about you try to look LESS like a spaz. Ok?” Also, what is up with Jacob ALWAYS being shirtless and what’s with the skin tight “jorts” (Jean shorts) that they make him wear? This further confirms my Brandon Walsh comparison, as Brandon always had to wear polo shirts that he tucked into his jeans - IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Ok, enough bagging on Taylor Lautner.
Anyway, I enjoyed The Twilight Saga: Eclipse and might even go back and watch the first two films (ok, I probably won’t). But there are worse movies to be forced to see. I was way more disappointed in Grown Ups. At least in Twilight, it seemed like the people involved were actually trying to be entertaining. Also, to all the guys who are forced to go see Twilight with their girlfriends… don’t worry, it won’t make you gay – just slightly bi-curious.
Chris’ Review: Pretty good.
