The Expendables
Since hearing that this movie was a possibility I was in. It was kind of like the Snakes on a Plane phenomenon. Wait, there is a movie called Snakes on a Plane starring Sam Jackson? Well, I’ll be seeing that movie. Same thing goes with The Expendables. So you’re telling me Sylvester Stallone is writing/directing/starring in a movie with Dolph Lundgren? Yes. And Eric Roberts is the bad guy? I would have paid a hundred bucks to see this movie. I’m not kidding.
That being said, expectations were high. Not high in a way that I expected the movie to be Oscar worthy but high in the way that I really wanted to see a bad ass 80s/90s Sylvester Stallone action flick. Matt Damon kicking ass as Jason Bourne is awesome, but it can in no way match the bad-assery of Rambo or Over the Top. Am I right? I think that I am.
The great thing about The Expendables is that it isn’t an homage to those actions films of yore. It just is one. I think there is appoximatly one reference to someone having a cell phone (and it’s Jason Statham) and never once does a character sit down in front of a computer. This movie could have been set in the 80s and nothing would have changed. It is kind of like Return to Sleepaway Camp. Sleepaway Camp was a horror series that came out in the 80s and was campy and cheesy and bad and fun. In 2008 the original writer/director decided to make Return to Sleepaway Camp and instead of all these slasher movies that pay tribute to 80s horror films, Return to Sleepaway Camp was an 80s horror film, just set in 2008. Why? Because the director didn’t know how to make any other kind of movie. When Stallone sits down in his writers garret he writes what he knows… movies with big guns where guys need to invent reasons to take their shirts off.
It even follows the typical format of an action film. Since The Expendables are a group of guys for hire that shoot people for money, the movie opens with them completing a mission and it going swimmingly (well, except for Jet Li who seems to get his ass kicked for about two-thirds of the film) and against some pirates. Then they return home where they shoot the shit with each other and have knife throwing contests. One of them has lady problems too. (I know, right?) So then they meet with a mysterious man in a church who gives them a dangerous mission to overthrow some dictator in [insert generic Latin American country] and they accept but things don’t quite go as planned. But fortunately for them, every problem they encounter can be solved by using bigger guns. There is no morals. The good guys are good and the bad guys are bad. Though, it was kind of weird to see Angel from Dexter as the Latin American dictator.
So that’s it. It is was what I thought it would be… and that it awesome. If you like those kind of films, you’ll love it. If you don’t, you won’t. Simple enough.
There is one thing that I think we, as a society, should take away from this film. At one point one of the bad guys is set on fire and then one of the Expendables runs up to him and starts punching him. I think we need to replace the phrase “kicking a man when he is down” to “punching a man when he’s on fire.” Or maybe that could be the next step. So, if your hanging out with your friend who has just been dumped and then you start making out with your girlfriend right in front of him, then that is “kicking him when he is down.” But, if you with that same guy who was just dumped and you start having anal sex with the girl that just broke his heart right in front of him, that my friends, is “punching a guy when he is on fire.”
And that is The Expendables.
Directed by Sylvester Stallone
Written by Dave Callaham and Sylester Stallone
Starring Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts Randy Couture Steve Austin, Terry Crews and Mickey Rourke.
